3 Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist | Allan Brandon Tise, PLLC, Attorney at Law

Whether your spouse is formally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or you merely suspect that they have the condition, you know that their ego, inability to handle any kind of perceived criticism, and total lack of empathy for others are all going to be on grand display during your divorce. 



In other words, they are not going to make anything about your divorce process easy if they can help it. In an effort to maintain control over the situation (and you), you can generally expect them to be as manipulative and infuriating as possible. Fortunately, there are things you can do that will give you some emotional distance and limit how much satisfaction they can get from their antics. Here are strategies to try.

The Gray Rock Method

This is basically a psychological tactic that focuses on controlling your visible reactions whenever your narcissistic spouse attempts to provoke you into a fight or manipulate you. The goal is to make your responses to their provocations so dull and mild that you are about as interesting as a plain, gray rock. 

Here's how to implement this technique:

• Control your body language and facial expressions - These are big giveaways to your emotional state. When you have to interact with your spouse, adopt a neutral look and relax your shoulders so that you seem visibly unconcerned by anything they say.
• Give very limited verbal responses - When possible, just stay silent and look at your spouse with that carefully crafted neutral expression. If you must answer, be brief and noncommittal. Never elaborate on or justify your reasoning.
• Don't believe anything they say - Recognize their bluster for what it is and do not fire back. For example, if they swear that you won't see a dime of child support, just shrug and say, "We'll see." Remember that the court, not your spouse, has the real power.

If your spouse is a narcissist, drawing you into a debate or getting you angry is an actual game to them. If you get good at the gray rock method, you deprive them of the drama they crave.

The "Of Course" Method

This is more about creating some emotional distance in your own mind from your spouse's abusive behavior by using predictive awareness to anticipate exactly what your spouse is likely to do or say. Once you see the patterns, they're much easier to just observe without engaging.

The "Of Course" Method involves reminding yourself that your spouse is trying to trigger you into a fight by hitting where they know it hurts. For example, if your spouse knows that you are worried about the children, they may call you an unfit parent and threaten to demand full custody. Mentally, you need to remind yourself, "Of course they would say that because they know it scares me."

Spend some time thinking about the things that your spouse often uses to needle you and pull you into a fight. The more clearly you anticipate what they are going to say, the more their actions become predictable, routine, and ineffective. Once their behavior stops rewarding them with a thrill or a sense of power, they may stop.

Insist That All Communications Go Through Your Lawyer

Finally, if your spouse's behavior is escalating or frightening to you, or you simply do no want to deal with them any further, you can ask the court to order them to communicate with you only through approved channels, like via your respective representation. That not only provides you with an automatic buffer from their bad behavior, but it creates a record that may later be useful in court.

At Allan Brandon Tise, PLLC, we are committed to helping our clients get through their divorces as easily as possible, without sacrificing any of their legal rights or interests. Contact us today to learn more.